No one deserves to be abused, and you don't have to put up with it. There are a number of things you can do if you are experiencing violence and abuse from a partner or ex-partner. However, none of these will be easy and none will provide a complete or immediate end to the abuse.
Getting free from abuse is a long process: most women seek help from a number of sources, and may leave and return several times before they are able to make the final break.
One question that is often asked is: "Why didn't you leave?" or alternatively "Why did you stay so long?" If you haven't been in this situation yourself, leaving may seem the obvious answer. But there are all sorts of reasons why women stay with their abusers. It is also important to know that leaving does not always end the abuse - and sometimes, at least for a time, it may get worse.
Women stay with their abusers because they still love them or because they are terrified of the consequences. The abuser may threaten to harm or even kill his partner or the children if they leave. Women may worry about losing their children, or they may feel that it is best for the children if they stay and try to make their relationship work. They may be worried about practical issues: Where can they go? Will they make themselves homeless? Where will they get money? They may be worried about loneliness, particularly if their partners have isolated them from friends and family. Maybe their confidence has been undermined so badly that they believe they couldn't cope alone, and lack the confidence to leave.
Perhaps some of those reasons apply to you. But if you do decide you want to leave home and leave your abuser, there are some suggestions for dealing with the practical issues you will face in the following sections. For example, you could look at the sections on Where can I go? - Housing options and What is a refuge and how can I stay in one?. The sections on What can Women's Aid do for me? and Making a safety plan may also help you.
Legal options
Whether or not you decide you want to leave your partner, you have a right to be protected under the law, and there are a number of legal options open to you, under both the criminal law and the civil law. The two systems are separate and are administered by separate courts:
The civil law is primarily aimed at protection (or in some cases compensation). A survivor of domestic violence can make an application for an injunction (a court order) either to the Family Proceedings Court or the County Court (usually through her solicitor). Other family proceedings (such as child contact or divorce) also take place in the County Court.
The criminal law is primarily aimed at punishing the offender. The police together with the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) initiate the process. Criminal cases are heard in either the Magistrates' Court or the Crown Court depending on the severity of the charge.
For further information, you could look at the sections on Getting an injunction and Police and the criminal prosecution process. Women's Aid also publishes a leaflet called 'Domestic violence: Your legal rights', which you can order using the Women's Aid Publications and Resources Order Form.
If you are in immediate danger always call the police, and always dial 999 if it is an emergency. They have a duty to protect and help you.
The Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline
If you want to talk through the different options, you could call the Freephone 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline, run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge, on 0808 2000 247.
The National Domestic Violence Helpline provides emotional and practical support, and information to women experiencing (or who have experienced) domestic abuse and to those seeking help on a woman's behalf. Helpline staff - all of whom are women - will discuss the available options and help you to make an informed choice. If it is appropriate, they may refer you to a refuge, or to outreach services and other sources of help and information. You won't be pushed into making any decision you are not happy with, nor will you be expected to take any steps you don't feel ready for. All calls are taken in the strictest of confidence, and are free of charge wherever you are in the country.
The Helpline is a member of Language Line and can provide access to an interpreter for callers who do not speak English. They can also access the BT Type Talk Service for deaf callers.
The Helpline is staffed 24 hours a day, seven days a week, by fully trained Helpline support workers and volunteers. If all the lines are busy there is a voice mail system that enables callers to leave a message. The messages are checked at regular intervals throughout the day and all calls are returned, as long as it is safe to do so.
During the course of a call, the Helpline support worker will respond according to your needs. She may, for example:
Offer a supportive listening ear and (if appropriate) refer you to counselling services.
Refer you to a registered family law solicitor in your area.
Refer you to local, face-to-face support via the drop-in or outreach services provided by your local Women's Aid organisation or other domestic violence service.
Refer you (with your children if you have them) to emergency accommodation.
Send you a Women's Aid Information Pack, which includes leaflets covering a range of issues including 'Housing', 'Legal options', 'Myths about domestic violence', 'Risks to children', 'Health and domestic violence', and 'Breaking free'.
Women's Aid can also provide a help service by letter and email, so if you prefer, either you or someone else on your behalf can email: helpline@womensaid.org.uk or write to Women's Aid, P.O. Box 391, Bristol, BS99 7WS.
If you live in Wales, Scotland or Northern Ireland, you could instead call one of the following helplines:
Wales Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 80 10 800. http://www.welshwomensaid.org/
Scottish Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0800 027 1234. http://www.scottishwomensaid.co.uk/
Northern Ireland Women's Aid 24 hour Domestic Violence Helpline: 0800 917 1414. http://www.niwaf.org/
There is also a national helpline specifically for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people experiencing domestic violence: call Broken Rainbow Helpline between 9am and 1pm and 2 - 5pm Monday to Friday: 08452 604460; minicom: 0207 231 3884. For further information on same sex domestic violence or on Broken Rainbow, see the section on Lesbian and bisexual women.
For further information on services and sources of support, please see Useful organisations.
Getting free from abuse is a long process: most women seek help from a number of sources, and may leave and return several times before they are able to make the final break.
One question that is often asked is: "Why didn't you leave?" or alternatively "Why did you stay so long?" If you haven't been in this situation yourself, leaving may seem the obvious answer. But there are all sorts of reasons why women stay with their abusers. It is also important to know that leaving does not always end the abuse - and sometimes, at least for a time, it may get worse.
Women stay with their abusers because they still love them or because they are terrified of the consequences. The abuser may threaten to harm or even kill his partner or the children if they leave. Women may worry about losing their children, or they may feel that it is best for the children if they stay and try to make their relationship work. They may be worried about practical issues: Where can they go? Will they make themselves homeless? Where will they get money? They may be worried about loneliness, particularly if their partners have isolated them from friends and family. Maybe their confidence has been undermined so badly that they believe they couldn't cope alone, and lack the confidence to leave.
Perhaps some of those reasons apply to you. But if you do decide you want to leave home and leave your abuser, there are some suggestions for dealing with the practical issues you will face in the following sections. For example, you could look at the sections on Where can I go? - Housing options and What is a refuge and how can I stay in one?. The sections on What can Women's Aid do for me? and Making a safety plan may also help you.
Legal options
Whether or not you decide you want to leave your partner, you have a right to be protected under the law, and there are a number of legal options open to you, under both the criminal law and the civil law. The two systems are separate and are administered by separate courts:
The civil law is primarily aimed at protection (or in some cases compensation). A survivor of domestic violence can make an application for an injunction (a court order) either to the Family Proceedings Court or the County Court (usually through her solicitor). Other family proceedings (such as child contact or divorce) also take place in the County Court.
The criminal law is primarily aimed at punishing the offender. The police together with the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) initiate the process. Criminal cases are heard in either the Magistrates' Court or the Crown Court depending on the severity of the charge.
For further information, you could look at the sections on Getting an injunction and Police and the criminal prosecution process. Women's Aid also publishes a leaflet called 'Domestic violence: Your legal rights', which you can order using the Women's Aid Publications and Resources Order Form.
If you are in immediate danger always call the police, and always dial 999 if it is an emergency. They have a duty to protect and help you.
The Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline
If you want to talk through the different options, you could call the Freephone 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline, run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge, on 0808 2000 247.
The National Domestic Violence Helpline provides emotional and practical support, and information to women experiencing (or who have experienced) domestic abuse and to those seeking help on a woman's behalf. Helpline staff - all of whom are women - will discuss the available options and help you to make an informed choice. If it is appropriate, they may refer you to a refuge, or to outreach services and other sources of help and information. You won't be pushed into making any decision you are not happy with, nor will you be expected to take any steps you don't feel ready for. All calls are taken in the strictest of confidence, and are free of charge wherever you are in the country.
The Helpline is a member of Language Line and can provide access to an interpreter for callers who do not speak English. They can also access the BT Type Talk Service for deaf callers.
The Helpline is staffed 24 hours a day, seven days a week, by fully trained Helpline support workers and volunteers. If all the lines are busy there is a voice mail system that enables callers to leave a message. The messages are checked at regular intervals throughout the day and all calls are returned, as long as it is safe to do so.
During the course of a call, the Helpline support worker will respond according to your needs. She may, for example:
Offer a supportive listening ear and (if appropriate) refer you to counselling services.
Refer you to a registered family law solicitor in your area.
Refer you to local, face-to-face support via the drop-in or outreach services provided by your local Women's Aid organisation or other domestic violence service.
Refer you (with your children if you have them) to emergency accommodation.
Send you a Women's Aid Information Pack, which includes leaflets covering a range of issues including 'Housing', 'Legal options', 'Myths about domestic violence', 'Risks to children', 'Health and domestic violence', and 'Breaking free'.
Women's Aid can also provide a help service by letter and email, so if you prefer, either you or someone else on your behalf can email: helpline@womensaid.org.uk or write to Women's Aid, P.O. Box 391, Bristol, BS99 7WS.
If you live in Wales, Scotland or Northern Ireland, you could instead call one of the following helplines:
Wales Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 80 10 800. http://www.welshwomensaid.org/
Scottish Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0800 027 1234. http://www.scottishwomensaid.co.uk/
Northern Ireland Women's Aid 24 hour Domestic Violence Helpline: 0800 917 1414. http://www.niwaf.org/
There is also a national helpline specifically for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people experiencing domestic violence: call Broken Rainbow Helpline between 9am and 1pm and 2 - 5pm Monday to Friday: 08452 604460; minicom: 0207 231 3884. For further information on same sex domestic violence or on Broken Rainbow, see the section on Lesbian and bisexual women.
For further information on services and sources of support, please see Useful organisations.
